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By Paula Spencer Scott, Caring.com senior editor
For caregivers, guilt carries a double whammy: It's almost always unproductive, yet it's ever-present. Guilt over not doing enough. Guilt over not being there enough. Guilt over wrong choices, broken promises, lost tempers, unfinished conversations.
"Guilt is so common -- I would even feel guilty about the fact that I was healthy but my mother had Alzheimer's," says TV-radio personality Leeza Gibbons, founder of Leeza's Place communities for caregivers.
More tips:
Beware the oughtta-shoulda-couldas. For caregivers, this refrain can sound like, "I ought to be able to handle this; I'm her daughter." Or, "I shouldn't feel so happy about going someplace without Dad." Or, "I could have handled that better." Things (and feelings) are what they are; stewing or denying wastes precious energy.
Distinguish between good guilt and bad guilt. Good guilt is the kind that causes us to examine our behavior and make a change, if necessary. If you feel guilty because, say, you were impatient with a loved one with dementia, it's like a little poke reminding you to try a bit harder next time. Unfortunately, what eats most of us alive is bad guilt. Bad guilt has no constructive underbelly. Bad guilt makes you feel guilty about a situation that you can't help (your parent has to move into rehab, for example) or that is actually a positive for you (you're hiring home care because you can't do it all yourself).
Realize that there's no ideal "enough." Even if you spent every second with your loved one and attended to every need, you'd still find something else to feel guilty about. Guilt is that pervasive. Don't let it eat you alive.
Instead, celebrate your good intentions. We feel guilty because we want so much to do the right thing. By and large, that is what you're doing! Shift your focus to all the things you do right, not to the few things that are less-than-right.
Are you having these problems? Please tell us how you are dealing with them?
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Suerae Stein
/ January 23, 2012This is great advice for any caregiver. I am grateful that my parents are still able to care for themselves, but know one day I may be in the caregiver role and I know that guilt could easily follow me like a shadow. And stress as well. It’s such a difficult role and I applaud all the well intentioned caregivers. It’s wonderful to have a site like this to turn to if needed. ~ Suerae
Gustavo | Frugal Science
/ January 23, 2012This is a great, very useful advice! Sometimes guilt may paralyze you and acknowledging it as a normal emotion can help. Also, I don’t like mantras but I must admit they work very efficiently.
Stanton Lawson
/ January 24, 2012Thanks for the comment, Suerae. You are fortunate not to have to take care of your parents yet. Most people think that if they have enough money to support sending their children to college and to have a retirement money, they are in good shape. Baby boomers are just learning that they might need money for things like taking care of elderly parents or in case a spouse becomes disabled. Be wise in handling your funds since you never know what might befall you. Thanks for coming by.
Stanton Lawson
/ January 24, 2012Truly spoken, Gustavo. Guilt is not confined to taking care of elderly relatives. As for mantras, they are always helpful in times of stress. Thanks for coming to our site.
David Leonhardt
/ January 24, 2012You can always do more. You have to decide how much is enough, then make sure to do just a little more. No need to feel guilty then, for having done more than you really feel obliged to do.
Jayne Kopp
/ January 24, 2012Hi Stanton,
Guilt definitely has a way of edging it’s ugly way into our lives even when there is nothing more we could have done to change a situation.
I am sure many people need to read this post who are feeling guilty about needing help caring for a loved on.
Thanks for sharing these valuable tips.
Jayne
Stanton Lawson
/ January 25, 2012David, this is a good philosophy to live by. It is hard to decide what is enough; but when you do that and do a little extra, I think you are right–you have nothing to feel guilty about. Thanks for stopping by.
Stanton Lawson
/ January 25, 2012Guilt is a big problem, Jayne. You are so right. It can affect people whether they are in a caregiving situation as well as in any other. Not being able to do anything about a situation is an open invitation for guilt. Thanks for your helpful comments, Jayne and I hope you will return again, soon.